Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Such a tiny thing, which can seem so very dangerous

Facebook, how you bring all my insecurities to light.
I could hate you for that.
Or I could embrace you.
 I'm not sure which. Check back in an hour.

For me, Facebook is a place where I frequently find instances of "Oh, I still need to work on that." It is, usually, not a comfortable place for me. Like this morning.

Yeah, I stumbled into one of those mental/emotional roadblocks. Well, into --> through --> and down the cliff on the other side. They put those warning signs up for a reason, dontchaknow.

It was a minor thing. Tiny. Inconsequential for any normal human being. But, when you bring the #cptsd into it, things aren't quite so simple. As we are all very aware. 

So this was the little 'game' going around FB this morning.
 Put this as your status (if you want to) and see what people love about you.
 I love your ______

That seems pretty innocuous, right. I was reading what other folks had said to friends, and liking, and laughing and saying 'oh, yeah, right.' Enjoying the exercise.

Then a little voice in my head said: Why don't we do this?

I wasn't ready for the wave that followed that thought. It was almost equal parts, fear, shame, disgust, pain, and avoidance. I wasn't expecting that. As you can tell, I'm still trying to figure it out.

I did it though. I'm terrified of what people will say. I want to crawl away ad hide so that I can let it all roll over me. I'm so afraid that people will say hurtful things - or worse, that they will say nothing.

At this moment I am officially a mess. Trying to be brave and holding all those wounded parts close. Tears still running down my cheeks. The tightness in my chest that will open into a hole.
You know the one. The one at the core of our being that is empty, echoing, and vast beyond measure.

I'm curious. Would you have asked for such a tiny thing, which to someone with cptsd seems so very dangerous? 

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