Friday, January 18, 2019

A thread... about this mornings flashback. Joy. Not.

#CPTSD #mentalhealth #morning First off. I'm ok. I'm wired. I'm exhausted. I'm dropping things left and right. I'm moving too fast. But all that is manageable. I'm ok. I'm and hour and a half late starting my day. so #fml. But even that is manageable. Thread /1

This is the morning after a night of #flashback city. Fck. This is not a new thing for me. So at least - I know what it is. I know it will pass. I know I can outlast it. I know how to pull myself through it. So, it was a morning working a #countdown . /2

And the #anger is really close to the top today. Gotta #meditate after this if I can. A countdown: 5 things I can see. 4 things I can touch. 3 things I can hear. 2 things I can smell. ... and 1 thing I can taste, but that's hard to do when you are glued in your bed. /3 #stuck in your bed with #anxiety and the ? (I don't know that word for watching your brain do its insanity and carries you along for the ride.) #dissociation (maybe). Did I mention I'm #wired? Fck. /4 I'm glad the cat is in another room and that I'm typing. Otherwise I might just rub all the hair off the poor thing. (Just kidding, but you get the idea.) Ok. Calm it down. Try to find some center in all the meshegas. /5 "Hello Kitty!" (no, she's good. Curled up next to me. ) Did I mention I'm ok? Really. Methinks she doth protest too much. (B1) My mental chorus is being a bunch of bitches right now. Some of them are quite witty, the rest are just my mother's voice. Fck. /6 This is one of the things that happens in the wake of a #flashback. All the fragments come out and feel like they have to grab the mic. (OK. That sounds really crazy. But you get it, right? ) So, I spent most of last night somewhere between #nightmares and #flashbacks. /7 Thank God and the #mentalhealth profession that I now know what these are. Imagine doing this for 35 years and NOT knowing what it was. Fck. That was me. I'll have to #Write about that later. Not this morning. I had a point to all this... /8 Yes. My morning is a mess. I'm pretty much in the #hotmess category too at the moment. BUT, I know what it is. I have my tools to work my way through it. From here I go meditate and write... and I talk to my husband about <redacted>. /9 The main thing I am trying to say is Storms pass. There are tools to help you get through them. Learn them. Use them. After the storm is calm. (maybe a wicked #emotional #hangover ,those can be dealt with too.) Hang in there. It's what we do. #CPTSD #Survivor. /fin


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